fun

so i found him.  yes.  and hes getting married.  wonderful.  no, i didnt communicate with him.  i dont want to.   id only end up sounding psychotic.  thats all that i would need for my ever so fragile mental state.

i told myself one day a long time ago that this day would come.  one day he would be married.

you know i know this is silly.  he is not the same person i loved so long ago.  everyone changes.  odd that i still love this imaginary figure.  i guess its because he once was real.  but i know that he will never be the same person i want, or make me feel the same way that he did.  just as i will never be the person he wants.

like if i were to contact him and speak to him, i know that it would be in my fucking fairy tale imagination that he leaves everything for me.  i think fairy tales should be stopped.  kids put too much stock in fairy tales.  they turn into adults with too much wishfull thinking.

its so weird.  i question love sometimes.  is love really love?  or is it lust.  i dont know of a single relationship that isnt seriously fucked in some way.  every relationship starts off the same, with passion and desire and the butterflies and everything that feels good.  that feeling that you get when you wake up in the morning, when you go to sleep.  are those just nonsensical emotions reaking havoc on your psyche?  or are they legitimate.  because after a few years or, even for the most unfortunate, a few days the passion is gone.  you dont look at them the same way, think of the same way, or even really want to be around them the way it was before.

i know it sounds like im bitter.  ill admit, maybe a little bit.  but its mostly my observations in my relationships, the people ive dated, and all of the relationships around me.

and trust me, do not think that youre relationship is perfect.  no ones is.  the minute you think youve found the perfect person for you, youll find out that they cheated on you or theyll quit calling you.

and im not refering to a specific sex here.  im talking about both.

we met when i had just turned 17.  he had just turned 19 and was in the military.  i never thought that i could love anyone as much as i loved him.  ill be 24 soon, and i can still say that.  i know its been what feels like a lifetime ago since it all had started, but i had fallen for someone who filled all romantic notions that i once had.  he was always overseas, but he called me all the time.  he told me he loved me and gave me reasons to believe that he felt the same way that i had did him.  but no.  maybe it wasnt a lie.  maybe he did feel that way. 

(our relationship was far more complicated than just that, but thats all i will go into at this point.)

but people change.  everything is in a constant state of flux, as are individuals.  peoples interests change so much and so frequently.  i mean, how many girls sleep with a guy only to have them never call again?  and vice versa.  it happens all the time.  the only sad thing is that person being left is completely clueless as to why.  the only thing that i can come up with is that interests change.

and i know that i can say with complete ease that i am not the same person i was when i was 17.  or 18 or 19.  i can say im not the same person i was when i turned 23.

what hurts some is knowing that i love someone who simply doesnt exist anymore, except in my mind.  what makes it difficult are when people use the words “forever” and “always.”  i really hate that.  or they make promises to do everything short of give you the moon.  and youre dumb enough to believe them.

all i can think is,’you said all of that and i believed you.’  i feel so dumb sometimes.

him

i havent thought this hard about him in a few years.  all i want is to hear his voice… to talk to him.  even if it is just for a minute i just want to know how hes doing.  funny how we tend to feel about the ‘one who got away.’

i shouldnt feel this way.  if he wanted to talk to me, he could find me, right?  im not that hard to find.  i know im a hell of alot easier to find online than he is.

a part of me is telling myself that he doesnt want to hear from me, see me, talk to me, whatever… but at the same time a part of me is telling myself that i’ll never know unless i do find him.

i do know that i miss him.

fuck.

the tyranny of the word ‘honeymoon’

something i got from mr show.  the torrent finished this morning so now i have the first 2 seasons.  its only 10 episodes total, but fuck it.  i love david cross.

so i go to work in the morning and take a break for a few hours to go to class, then go right back to work.  it’s tiring but i have to go to school and work.  so on my way to school, my car decides that i just wants to break down on the busiest one way street downtown.  i knew that there was something wrong with my car, but i was hoping it would wait until monday.  a car breaking down shouldnt bother me, but i just spent $800 on that ancient mazda in the beginning of january for a fuel pump and new exhaust, before that i replaced the alternator, battery, and hydraulic clutch.  i bought the car a year ago for $1600 and ive probably spent $2500 since then.  i really like this car.  but im about to tow it to the island down the road and throw a maltof in the gas tank if it doesnt quit this shit.  i have a feeling a cylinder may have lost compression.  its like i work only to go to school and drive a car.  i wouldnt have a car if i didnt need one so much.  thoreau would probably hate my laziness, but im not riding a bike approx 40 miles a day, i surely cant afford a cab for that.  thats about $100 a day.

so after being stranded downtown for a while, i manage to get home and check my email.  i notice that a couple of friends of mine have left a message for me on myspace.  the only reason i use myspace is to talk to people i havent in forever.  i see people, contact them, exchange emails, and rarely use myspace to continuosly comunicate with anyone.

both messages stated that i should change my password.  my myspace was jacked and had been since 2/13.  whats funny is that i havent logged in in over a week.  so i try to change my password and myspace makes me jump through hoops just to change a password.  apparently they want me to change my password,  but they blocked my acct so i cant change anything.  oh well.

i feel like kicking and screaming like a small child and asking my mom to just take care of this.  my car i mean.  she always had the car mechanics under her thumb.

i think it just makes me realize how fincially unsteady i am.  ive been working on saving money, but its not like i have alot of money.  i think that ive almost come to accept that i will never been wealthy.  ill probably never own a brand new car and ill probably never own a house.  even though this does sadden me, i am still alright with me.  i know that there are many people out there who dont even have a car or a place to live.  i have established, at least somewhat, a difference between my necessities and wants.  new shoes, clothes, glasses, furniture, tvs, and so on.  id like it, but i dont need it.

i hate being poor, but i know ill be alright.